We may not realize it, but as much as we're defined by the goals we reach and the ways in which we choose to present ourselves, we're also defined by the challenges we face in life, and what we do to overcome them. Whether or not we look at each obstacle in life as a potential gift, if we think about it, most of us inherently know that there is indeed a gift with most of the difficult things we face in life; the trick is to find it, or rather, to remember to look.

Moving to a new city can be a major challenge that brings homesickness and hard work, but can also bring new opportunities, new independence, and of course, new friends and neighbors. Surviving a major car accident and resulting injuries may bring serious tears and fears, or it can bring an understanding of how precious life is, how lucky we are when we have our health, and a realization that we may possess more inner strength and resilience than we ever thought possible.

When we first face a stressor, our initial reaction may be negative. However, with practice, we can all learn to see more positives mixed with the negatives. We can all start seeing our stressors as challenges instead of threats. And we can all use these challenges as tools for growth rather than mere harbingers of stress.

The following articles can all help you change your perspective and your initial responses to stress, to have a more optimistic, resilient outlook:

• Reframing and Stress Management
  Cognitive reframing is a simple way of taking a potentially negative event and seeing it as a blessing. Read and learn.

• Cognitive Reframing Techniques That Work
  What are some of the best ways in which you've changed your perspective and thus changed your experience? We want to hear! Share, and see what other readers have to say.

• Benefits of Optimism
  Why look on the bright side anyway? Here's why! Read about the benefits of optimism.

• How To Become More Emotionally Resilient
  If you'd like to be able to handle life's challenges (both major and minor) with greater ease, to grow from adversity, and to turn potentially negative events into positive ones, the following steps can help you to become more resilient to stress.

• Are You Prone to Optimism or Pessimism?
  Assess your explanatory style and see how you see the world. (Hint: you may be surprised by the results!)

Resilience: What Has Your Stress Done For You? originally appeared on About.com Stress Management on Thursday, March 11th, 2010 at 05:52:42.

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As I was reflecting on the gratitude I felt for the support my friends and family were giving, I also thought about all the emotional support we share, and all of the other types of support that help us all keep stress at bay. While relationship conflicts can be a cause of stress, the right circle of friends and type of social support can work wonders.

I recently read some interesting research on types of support, however, and found confirmation on what I've always instinctively felt: that not all types of support function in the same way and, even more interesting to me, some types of support can actually be damaging if given in too-large quantities. Read more about the research on different types of support, and see the resources below on how to share stress relief with your loved ones through supportive relationships.

Relationship Resources for Stress Management:

• Types of Social Support
  What are the different types of social support, and how do they work? Do men and women need different things? And is it really possible to get TOO MUCH support from a spouse? Learn more about social support and stress!

• Best Types and Sources of Social Support
  Social support is a wonderful remedy for stress, and can come in many shapes and sizes. And different types of social support resonate with different people (though esteem support is virtually universally liked). What does good social support look like to you? What are your favorite types and sources of social support?

• Communication Skills
  Conflict in a relationship is virtually inevitable. In itself, conflict isn't a problem; how it's handled, however, can bring people together or tear them apart. Poor communication skills, disagreements and misunderstandings can be a source of anger and distance, or a springboard to a stronger relationship and happier future. Next time you're dealing with conflict, keep these tips on effective communication skills in mind and you can create a more positive outcome.

• How to Create Truly Supportive Friendships
  Creating a supportive circle of friends is well worth the effort, but it does take some work. Here are some important things to remember in building your social support.

• More Research on Social Support
  

What are some ways you've given support lately? What are some ways that people have supported you? Share your experiences in the comments, we'd love to hear them! And if you've found this post helpful, please consider sharing it with your friends and family via the 'share' button. Thanks!

Support For Stress Relief originally appeared on About.com Stress Management on Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 at 22:18:28.

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I recently created one of these Reader Response articles on the topic of cognitive reframing. The question I posed is as follows:

Cognitive reframing--the wonderful practice of looking at things in a more positive light in order to experience them as less stressful--is a simple and effective stress reliever. And there are unlimited opportunities to practice cognitive reframing to maintain a more optimistic world view. Sometimes it helps to see how others can take lemons and make lemonade; sometimes it's nice to get a pat on the back for a brilliant example of cognitive reframing you've used in your own. Either way, I invite you to share your best examples of cognitive reframing in your own life, and get inspired by the stories of others.

I received several great responses. Here's one I particularly like, from Linda.LongIsland:

Several people, including Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, have written about the benefits of gratitude. Instead of focusing on what's going wrong, we can focus on what's going right. A friend of mine was complaining that nothing went right one day. I said, "You have to look at things correctly. Lots of things went right. Can you walk? Can you see? Do you have a roof over your head?, etc." She answered yes and then thanked me for giving her "a gift." We all have so much to be grateful for and by concentrating on the daily miracles in our lives, we will have the strength to get through stressful times.

How would you have responded? Here's your chance--add to the Reader Response article on cognitive reframing yourself!

In the comments section below, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, or any topic ideas you'd like to see turned into a Reader Response article. I'm always appreciative of suggestions!

See More Reader Response Articles

Reader Wisdom: Reframing A Bad Day originally appeared on About.com Stress Management on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010 at 05:48:29.

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The following resources can help you to shed self-sabotaging thought patterns and behaviors starting now, and create a more serene, aware life for yourself.

• Stress and Self Sabotage:Are You Creating Additional Mental Stress For Yourself?
  We've all found ourselves being impatient with people or taking out frustrations on innocent bystanders, or causing unnecessary conflicts and mental stress because stress is clouding our judgment. The following are some of the most common ways that people create mental and emotional stress in their own lives. Carefully think about whether any of these self sabotage techniques apply to you, so you can make simple changes to reduce significant mental and emotional stress from your life.

• Share Your Self Sabotage Stories
  When did you realize you were contributing to your own stress? What did you do? What advice do you have for others? Share your stories with this reader-generated article, or just see the stories of others who have battled this type of stress, too.

• How To Learn From Your Mistakes
  It's hard to face mistakes, but even harder to stay at peace when you find yourself making the same mistakes over and over. Here are some tips to turn life's difficult situations into your lessons, and gain wisdom from your mistakes.

• What Lessons Do You Learn From Mistakes?
  What have you learned from your own mistakes in life? What hard-won wisdom would you refuse to trade for the world? Share it with others who can learn from your experience, and see other readers' best!

Do You Sabotage Yourself? How? originally appeared on About.com Stress Management on Monday, March 1st, 2010 at 07:19:12.

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This week, I blushingly admit to watching a 'Women Tell All' episode of 'The Bachelor', where several of the women who weren't chosen as wife material were invited back to the show to review their experiences and, of course, 'tell all'. (Don't stop reading here if you're not a Bachelor fan--I promise there will be a point to this blog post that transcends mere reality show plot lines.) But what struck me was how different people handle mistakes. One woman, Michelle, was brought up on stage to watch clips of her time on the show, and comment on them. She was a 'drama queen', and there was plenty of footage of her crying, making demands, hurling insults, and basically focusing solely on her perspective and her needs, before she was actually asked (by the Bachelor) to leave the show in the middle of a group date--a big break with protocol and an even bigger statement that what this girl was doing was NOT working for her. However, when viewing the footage, her mantra seemed to be 'no regrets'. Not 'no regrets' as in, "I really messed that up, and learned a lot from it. Because it was such a growing experience, I now have no regrets," but more as in, "I did nothing wrong here, and if I had it to do over again, I would make the exact same choices, therefore I have no regrets."

In contrast, another woman (Ali) who had also left the show--my original favorite--came to the stage to face a few clips of her own. In one of them, she said something unkind to the person in the house (Vienna) who annoyed most of the other girls, as well as many viewers at home. She would have been entirely supported had she stuck to her guns and said, 'no regrets' about her unkind words. In fact, because said other woman came out ahead of her in the race for the Bachelor's heart, many would have seen her as justified if she just stayed vague and mum on the topic. However, she instead asserted that she regretted saying those things, said that Vienna doesn't deserve to be 'trashed in the media', and wished her luck. Classy!

So what did I take away from this experience? I couldn't help but laugh to myself about how an attempt by Michelle to keep stress at bay by failing to acknowledge mistakes ("No regrets!") can actually create more stress! Failing to take responsibility for one's mistakes creates stress in a few different ways, but perhaps most importantly, it takes away the ability to change what one is responsible to change. In other words, if Michelle can't acknowledge what mistakes she may have made on the show, she's unable to learn and grow from them, and she's destined to repeat dysfunctional behavior. Ali, on the other hand, did an excellent job of illustrating how to take responsibility, see the lesson in a situation, and then move on, without beating oneself up over it or getting caught in rumination. She did express regret for mistakes she'd made on the show, but it became evident that she brings less 'drama', less stress, to the situations she faces in life.

Does this mean that everyone who sets the intention to live with "no regrets" is simply overlooking every opportunity to take responsibility for mistakes and learn from them? No, of course not. But that is a trap that people can fall into. It's a shortcut that's tempting to take. To truly live with no regrets, part of the equation is learning what you can from every situation as part of moving on, while developing the ability to appreciate your mistakes instead of beating yourself up over them.

Take a minute and think about your own life. Do you tend to evaluate your setbacks and see what part of it you're responsible for? Do you make new plans incorporating this learning? Or do you lay blame primarily on others? Do you just avoid reflection altogether and figure it's pointless to spend time going over such things? Share your experiences, tips and thoughts in the comments section. And, of course, if you found this post helpful and passed it along to your (using the 'share' button), I would be appreciative as always!

How To REALLY Have "No Regrets" originally appeared on About.com Stress Management on Thursday, February 25th, 2010 at 06:03:09.

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Coping With The Aftermath originally appeared on About.com Stress Management on Thursday, February 25th, 2010 at 06:02:42.

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I recently received an email from a reader wanting to know more about the basics of burnout. The question is:

"I'm really busy, but all the things I'm doing are really either necessary for my family's survival (working to put food on the table, cooking to make that food palatable, etc.) or are fulfilling me emotionally (I have a book club and take a class once a week). So I'm very busy, and my husband is concerned that I'm going to experience burnout. I get stressed sometimes, but I don't think burnout is a problem--I don't feel overly stressed, and I really enjoy what I'm doing. Also, I don't know what I'd cut out. Should I be concerned about burnout?"

Read my response, and offer your own words of support in the comments section. Share if you've experienced burnout in your own life and how you've handled it, or share your own burnout questions.

Additional Burnout Resources

• Symptoms of Burnout

• Burnout Risk Factors

• Burnout Quiz: Does Your Job Put You At Risk?

Burnout: Are You At Risk? originally appeared on About.com Stress Management on Sunday, February 21st, 2010 at 19:40:57.

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If you feel you're not making the most of your weekends, don't worry--you can change that now. Take a 'staycation' or 'playcation' this weekend. Host a game night. Or try a fun stress reliever. The following resources can give you ideas for what to do with your time now--I invite you (dare I say I 'challenge' you?) to try at least one new thing during your next weekend, and tell me how it went.

• How To Have A Truly Relaxing Staycation

• Cheap Vacation In Your Home Town

• Take a Play-Cation!

• Fun and Games for Stress Relief

• Fun Stress Relievers To Try

• Laugh More and Have More Fun

• Hosting a Game Night

• Hosting a Game Night

Here are some of my favorite group games, and here's a list of favorite games from readers. Check them out and share your favorites, or tell us what you do for fun in the comments section of this blog. And if you found this blog helpful, please share it with the people in your life who could also use some fun, via the 'share' button below. Have fun!

Have Some Fun This Weekend! originally appeared on About.com Stress Management on Saturday, February 20th, 2010 at 13:54:07.

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You can stop stress before it really starts by changing your perceptions so that you see stressors--even things that normally drive you nuts--as a challenge vs. a threat, or as a learning experience. If you 'look for the gift' in each situation instead of seeing stressors as scary or even inherently negative, you can stop your body's stress response before it starts the cascade of changes that can lead to feelings of overwhelm and chronic stress, with all of its negative effects.

It's true. This is because the body's stress response responds to perceived threats--threats to our physical or emotional safety--rather than actual threats. If we don't see something as stressful, it isn't. No stress response, no sweat. The trick is training your mind to see things with more optimism, more adventure, more trust in yourself. This strategy of changing your perspective can't eliminate every stressor in your life, but it can eliminate some, soften others, and be an invaluable tool for general stress management.

So how is it done? One way is through reframing, or seeing things from a different perspective. Another is through gratitude, or looking at what you can be thankful for. Seeing things from a positive explanatory style is helpful. And for specific examples of how to do this, see this article on cognitive reframing to get ideas from other readers and share your own. And practice, practice, practice.

How has this concept come up in your life? What are some things you can start looking at differently? Add your thoughts in the comments section. And if you found this post helpful, please consider sharing it.

Related Blogs:

• Comedy or Tragedy?

• Taking A Lesson From Reality Shows

• The Link Between Gratitude and Happiness

See No Stress, Feel No Stress originally appeared on About.com Stress Management on Monday, February 15th, 2010 at 06:34:40.

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And, being a stress management coach and writer, I examined all of the different strategies that can be used--some that I used yesterday, others that I could have chosen--to manage stress on One Of Those Days. There are problem-focused coping strategies, emotion-focused coping strategies, and mixes of both. There's a pretty broad variety of ways to manage the same set of stressors, and I'll list several below.

• Take A Meditation Break
  A well-timed meditation session can feel like a mini-vacation when you're having an overwhelming day. Regular meditation brings cumulative benefits, but even a five-minute meditation can help put you in a better frame of mind so that whatever stressors come, you've got them handled.

• Use Reframing Techniques
  Sometimes stress is all in how you look at it! If you see something as a threat vs. a challenge, for example, it will bring more stress. If you're catastrophizing, 'shoulding all over yourself', or unwittingly using other cognitive distortions to add to the stress of your day, stop. (Hint: these cognitive restructuring techniques can help!)

• It's Okay To Say No
  Sometimes we have One Of Those Days because we have so many commitments stacked up on each other that one false move leads to a string of minor crises (see my yesterday, above). One way to avoid doing this is to only take on commitments that are really important to you and directly help you fulfill your most valued goals, like 'keep my job' or 'be a good parent'. It's important to learn how to say no to other more periphery commitments, even if people will be disappointed.

• Locate A Supportive Shoulder
  Sometimes it helps just to have a sympathetic ear or an active listener to tell your troubles to, to 'get it out of your system', or to feel validated and supported. If you are someone who does better with the supportive ear of a good friend (and can avoid rumination when telling your tale), then go for it! Research on coping styles shows that social support can be a wonderful stress release, and can lower cortisol levels as well. So let your friends help you, and you can return the favor when your friend has One Of Those Days in the future.

• Have A Sense of Humor
  Laughing in the face of stress is a good way to rob it of its power. And, fortunately, there are other benefits of laughter as well. Practice maintaining your sense of humor on an overwhelming day and the world laughs with you!

• Just Breathe
  A quick and effective way to feel much less stressed anytime, anywhere? Breathing exercises! Try taking a few deep breaths right now, and see how much more relaxed you can be. Then you can reverse your body's stress response, improve your mood, and press 'restart' on your bad day. Or at least suck some of the stress right out of it!

Just 'One Of Those Days'? originally appeared on About.com Stress Management on Thursday, February 11th, 2010 at 06:16:51.

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